President of the Century
US presidential elections offer a unique kind of entertainment that sadly only occur once every four years, and one man has delivered in spades.
As many wise men of the past, such as H.L. Mencken, Friedrich von Hayek, Ludwig von Mises, and Murray Rothbard, and contemporaries such as Ryan McMaken and Hans-Hermann Hoppe, have pointed out over the past two centuries, Democracy1, in its self-righteous quest to stave off tyranny, has many flaws that in actuality promote tyranny, some of which are the following:
A permanent minority group may suffer an eternal domination by a larger group imposing its values on the former through sheer numerical advantage and the sole coercive power of the state.
A tendency to intensify the morbid obesity of the state as certain segments of the citizenry demand benefits at the cost of everybody else that require bureaucratic machinery and resources to disperse.
Heightened antagonism and unrest among the citizenry, particularly during elections, due to the first two points.
And last but not least, the defect of elevating to the top the most unproductive and deceitful prospective parasites longing to suckle on the teat of the mountainous pile of loot commonly referred to as ‘‘tax revenue.’’
The last two factors, however, together produce a glorious unintended consequence, for which unfortunately very few have the fortitude to develop an acquired taste—the spontaneous creation of dark humor that has no equal in other aspects of life.
This phenomenon can only occur in a Democracy, as a prospective parasite must do his best to convince the voting populace to cast their votes in his direction and not the other droolers', whose eyes are fixated on the tax loot as an undisciplined adolescent is petrified at the sight of internet pornography. This voting populace, by the essentially pure randomness of the genetic conjoining of procreation, has a majority composed of imbeciles so dense as to be unable to comprehend the possibility of education having existed prior to the creation of the Department of Education. Such moronic rabble can be infinitely gullible one moment and tenaciously obstinate the next, the effect of which is to drive the prospective parasite to go to great lengths to craft acts and theses of incredible banality and stupidity. In a Democracy, for one to become a Royal, he must first become a well-tuned, well-received jester. Naturally, the higher the stakes, the bigger the jester he must become, and the stakes are nowhere higher in American Democracy than in the cockfight for the Presidency.
The Presidential cockfights have already produced magnificent jesters in our currently young 21st century, such as the shriveled-pear-faced desperate warmonger John McCain and the pseudo-intellectual race-baiter, lover of non sequiturs, and drone-bomb-happy Barack Obama.
One of the best-performing clowns of this century was undoubtedly the sloth-brained Texan, George ‘‘Dubya’’ Bush.
Dubya, having been a known C-student and ‘‘a fella one would like to have a beer with,’’ repeatedly reminded the nation that being a President is ‘‘hard work,’’ and once used his amazing intellect to creatively update a profoundly deep Texas–Tennessee proverb to inaugurate a new level of imbecility in the new century:
‘‘Fool me once, shame on... [uncomfortable stance shift] shame on you. [long static stare] And fool me, ya can't get fooled again.’’
His crowning achievement was his speech on the sadly appropriately named USS Abraham Lincoln, where he declared a premature victory in front of an American-flag-embellished banner with the words ‘‘Mission Accomplished’’ less than two months into the War in Iraq—a complete calamity that would take another eight-and-a-half years and a couple hundred thousand lives to finally fully collapse.
Leaving Dubya behind in the dust, the recent 2020 and 2024 Presidential cockfights witnessed the birth of the greatest joker-cock of all Democratic history, and no, it's not Donald Trump. It's Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.
Ol' Joe Robinette is a master parasite who has been feeding off the federal tax loot for almost five decades as of this writing, a clear demonstration of his well-developed skill of herding the tax cattle of America. Floating about within his cranium is an expertly developed, highly efficient, and skillfully maintained machine capable of endlessly spewing Democratic2 platitudes so easily digestible by the average American Democrat3 with so little input that one wonders if Democracy has finally produced a political perpetual motion machine in defiance of all physical laws. It is as if this machine was set into a sort of permanent autopilot mode, meticulously configured over decades of trial and error.
Watching the machine cast its spells on certain American voter-lemmings and causing them to brawl with other factions of voter-lemmings, particularly the ones defending The Orange Man, by itself is entertaining enough. However, the true comedy began when entropy started to take its toll on this venerable spell-casting apparatus.
The first doses of the hilarity were administered in the cockfight of 2020. Demonstrating his immense skill with the English language, Joe Robinette would frequently, in real time, invent words and phrases so complex that not even he could understand them, such as ‘‘truenernashofadepressure,’’ ‘‘badikefcare,’’ and ‘‘dog-faced pony-soldier.’’
He would constantly confuse numbers by powers of thousands, saying ‘‘trillions’’ when he meant ‘‘millions’’ or ‘‘millions’’ when he meant ‘‘billions’’ or even making combinations such as ‘‘740 million billion dollars.’’
He would interrupt himself mid-sentence in rapid-fire fashion:
‘‘Covid has taken this year, just since the outbreak, has taken, more than one hundred year, look, here's, the lives, it's just, it ju.. when you think about it...’’
‘‘I propose that I'm gonna digress slightly, I, here we, we're in a situation, I, president asked me to head up a cancer moonshot.’’
He would attempt to regurgitate historical platitudes and fail miserably:
‘‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, all men and women created, by the, go you know the, you know the thing!’’
He would confuse near-homophones in hilarious fashion:
‘‘He doesn't wanna shed light; he wants to generate heat, and he's stroking [sic] violence in our cities.’’
He would tell completely inane and irrelevant stories, such as the blond-hairy-legs-and-kids story or the Corn-Pop-the-bad-dude story.
Valuable innovations this time in the 2024 cockfight included walking aimlessly in random directions on stage; struggling with walking in general; falling down while walking up stairs; spewing completely incomprehensible garbles of sentences; and even confusing his Democratic buddy Vladimir Zelensky with his wartime enemy, the modern non-orange Hitler-reincarnated Vladimir Putin.
However, Joe Robinette's undeniable masterpiece was his Presidential debate with Donald Trump in 2024. He started strong—responding to a question about the national debt, he rambled incoherently for a full minute and ended with the statement, ‘‘we finally beat Medicare.’’ In the remaining time, in between broken platitudes and disjointed non sequitur responses, he alternated between roughly three states: a blank 1000-yard stare; a directed grimace of Democratic outrage at something uttered by his opponent, The Orange Man; and a sudden realization of something, such as the time of day, the current occasion, and/or the complete lack of an ice cream cone in his hand. It was truly the only genuinely hilarious presidential debate in American Democratic history and the greatness of his performance deserves much acclaim.
Joe Robinette is a Tug Benson from Hot Shots! Part Deux come to life—a character who until recent years lived only in the imaginations of creative comedic minds and was finally brought into this realm as if through the use of the magical Golden Ticket from Last Action Hero. But in reality he far surpasses anything any mortal human could have devised. He is a human metaphor.
He is a true personification of the American Empire in its final stages of collapse, run on a clockwork machine of thievery and mass murder finally giving in to microfissures and metal fatigue of its essential components, defeated by the perennial law of increasing entropy and malfunctioning in a sort of slapstick comedic fashion. The machine nevertheless still runs unabated, completely unaware of the toll time has taken on its workings, shaking and vibrating violently on top of its decrepit and rotten wooden legs of Democracy. President Joe Robinette, just like the decaying American Democratic Empire he is ostensibly leading, is sad, horrifying, and immensely hilarious at the same time. Long live President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.
As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. —H.L. Mencken
Here, the definition of Democracy I take is the following: a system of government by which the common eligible citizens cast votes to enact policies and to place persons into public office in regularly scheduled elections.
Here, I mean ‘‘pertaining to Democracy,’’ rather than ‘‘of the Democratic Party.’’
Here, I mean ‘‘a person subscribing to the ideology of Democracy,’’ rather than ‘‘a member of the Democratic Party.’’