Instead of a conventionally attractive female such as Taylor Swift performing a melodic ritual on stage, often you have several near-clones of some kind of effeminate, makeup-layered, post-masculine, statistically average-looking faces of sexual ambiguity on top of presumably male torsos and limbs performing essentially the same kind of ritual. It is some sort of Far East “transgender” display without explicit “transgenderism” and attacks the senses in a similarly novel way. (The extreme clashing of the senses from such a ritual may be apt to cause seizures, but thankfully in the United States, by the enactment of the Americans with Disabilities Act, our wise parasites have clearly “saved” us from such a calamity.)

However, beneath this skin-deep novelty of the senses is the usual safe and unoffensive drab of popular Western music intended to attract the mass of culture-less morons. The K-pop machine of South Korea has been perfected to industrial standards of interchangeable parts, producing pop stars with reliable profit margins accompanied by mass-marketability and minimal expenditure on the complementary factors of production.

It is no surprise then, that a country so conditioned to produce, consume, and radiate such banality would also partake in the same Democratic1 rituals that an inhabitant of any Western Democratic nation is accustomed to, and this takes me to the recent executive event that occurred in the country of BTS (the so-called “Bulletproof Boys”).

I would like to point out that indeed, like many of you, I do not follow South Korean politics at all. Even though I am Korean by birth and retain much of my sentiments of attachment to the country of my childhood, I know very little of the politics of it. However, no doubt, the recent sudden declaration of martial law by President Yoon Suk Yeol on Dec. 3^rd, 2024, around 10:20 PM, local time, has brought the world’s attention to South Korea, the Asian country that probably most closely mimics typical Western countries in its form of mass coercion, robbery, and theft commonly known collectively as “government.” This mimicry is made clear in the rhetoric in the announcement of martial law, which is typical of a Democratic despot, and is further evidenced by the fact that virtually no Western government has denounced the move.

Here are some excerpts2 of the televised announcement by the South Korean President translated into bureaucratic Democratic English, which I will further translate into more truthful words of everyday English for your edification.

“Dear respected citizens, as president, I appeal to you with a heart full of sorrow.”

• Dear lowly subjects, as President, I feign sadness in order to not seem like a despot.

“The National Assembly cut all major budgets for key essential functions of the state,…The state administration is paralyzed, and the sighs of our citizens are deepening.”

• The National Assembly will not do as I say. I’m mad, and I’m sure everyone agrees with me.

“This is clearly an act of inciting internal rebellion by trampling the constitutional order of the free Republic of Korea and disrupting legitimate state institutions established by the Constitution and law.”

• I really want to arrest these people, but the Constitution and law are getting in the way.

“Now, our National Assembly has become a den of criminals, paralyzing the nation's judicial and administrative systems through legislative dictatorship and planning for the overthrow of our liberal democratic system.”

• I hate the National Assembly because they’re trying to limit my power by using the Democratic system.

“The National Assembly, which should be the foundation of liberal democracy, has become a monster trying to destroy it.”

• The National Assembly, which should just do what I tell them to, are bad people who hate Democracy.

“My fellow citizens, I declare martial law to protect the Republic of Korea from the threats of North Korean communist forces, to immediately eradicate the unscrupulous pro-Pyongyang antistate forces that pillage the freedom and happiness of our people and to protect free constitutional order.”

• My tax cattle, I suspend your freedom, happiness, and the constitutional order to increase my power against the people I don’t like, who by the way, are obviously pro-North communists who hate freedom, happiness, and the constitutional order.

“Through this emergency martial law, I will rebuild and protect the free Republic of Korea, which is falling into ruin.”

• Through this destruction of your freedom, I will fortify my rule over the Republic of Korea, which keeps not doing what I want.

“For this, I will certainly eradicate such antistate forces and the culprits of the country's ruin who have committed evil acts up until now.”

• I’m going to have the people I hate jailed for doing things I don’t like up until now.

“It’s an inevitable measure to guarantee the people's freedom, safety and national sustainability against the actions of antistate forces seeking to overthrow the system.”

• I want to do this so that people will just do as I tell them to.

“The declaration of martial law will cause some inconveniences for good citizens who believe in and follow the constitutional values of free people, but we will focus on minimizing such inconveniences.”

• You will not like having your freedoms taken away, but since you’re good, obedient tax cattle, you should just accept it and get used it as we continue taking your freedoms away.

“I will eliminate antistate forces and normalize the country as soon as possible. Such a measure is inevitable for the permanence of a free Republic of Korea and there is no change in Korea’s foreign policy stance of fulfilling its responsibilities and contributions to the international community.”

• I will imprison the people I hate as quickly as possible. I need to do this so my rule isn’t challenged, and I will continue to take your tax money and give it to various foreign governments as I see fit.

“As president, I sincerely appeal to the people. I will dedicate my life to protecting the free Republic of Korea. Please trust in me.”

• As President, I sincerely want to rule the people. I will absolutely continue robbing and stealing from the subjects of the Republic of Korea. Please trust in me.

“Thank you.”

• Fuck you.

• A permanent minority group may suffer an eternal domination by a larger group imposing its values on the former through sheer numerical advantage and the sole coercive power of the state.

• A tendency to intensify the morbid obesity of the state as certain segments of the citizenry demand benefits at the cost of everybody else that require bureaucratic machinery and resources to disperse.

• Heightened antagonism and unrest among the citizenry, particularly during elections, due to the first two points.

• And last but not least, the defect of elevating to the top the most unproductive and deceitful prospective parasites longing to suckle on the teat of the mountainous pile of loot commonly referred to as ‘‘tax revenue.’’

The last two factors, however, together produce a glorious unintended consequence, for which unfortunately very few have the fortitude to develop an acquired taste—the spontaneous creation of dark humor that has no equal in other aspects of life.

This phenomenon can only occur in a Democracy, as a prospective parasite must do his best to convince the voting populace to cast their votes in his direction and not the other droolers', whose eyes are fixated on the tax loot as an undisciplined adolescent is petrified at the sight of internet pornography. This voting populace, by the essentially pure randomness of the genetic conjoining of procreation, has a majority composed of imbeciles so dense as to be unable to comprehend the possibility of education having existed prior to the creation of the Department of Education. Such moronic rabble can be infinitely gullible one moment and tenaciously obstinate the next, the effect of which is to drive the prospective parasite to go to great lengths to craft acts and theses of incredible banality and stupidity. In a Democracy, for one to become a Royal, he must first become a well-tuned, well-received jester. Naturally, the higher the stakes, the bigger the jester he must become, and the stakes are nowhere higher in American Democracy than in the cockfight for the Presidency.

The Presidential cockfights have already produced magnificent jesters in our currently young 21st century, such as the shriveled-pear-faced desperate warmonger John McCain and the pseudo-intellectual race-baiter, lover of non sequiturs, and drone-bomb-happy Barack Obama.

One of the best-performing clowns of this century was undoubtedly the sloth-brained Texan, George ‘‘Dubya’’ Bush.

Dubya, having been a known C-student and ‘‘a fella one would like to have a beer with,’’ repeatedly reminded the nation that being a President is ‘‘hard work,’’ and once used his amazing intellect to creatively update a profoundly deep Texas–Tennessee proverb to inaugurate a new level of imbecility in the new century:

‘‘Fool me once, shame on... [uncomfortable stance shift] shame on you. [long static stare] And fool me, ya can't get fooled again.’’

His crowning achievement was his speech on the sadly appropriately named USS Abraham Lincoln, where he declared a premature victory in front of an American-flag-embellished banner with the words ‘‘Mission Accomplished’’ less than two months into the War in Iraq—a complete calamity that would take another eight-and-a-half years and a couple hundred thousand lives to finally fully collapse.

Leaving Dubya behind in the dust, the recent 2020 and 2024 Presidential cockfights witnessed the birth of the greatest joker-cock of all Democratic history, and no, it's not Donald Trump. It's Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.

Ol' Joe Robinette is a master parasite who has been feeding off the federal tax loot for almost five decades as of this writing, a clear demonstration of his well-developed skill of herding the tax cattle of America. Floating about within his cranium is an expertly developed, highly efficient, and skillfully maintained machine capable of endlessly spewing Democratic2 platitudes so easily digestible by the average American Democrat3 with so little input that one wonders if Democracy has finally produced a political perpetual motion machine in defiance of all physical laws. It is as if this machine was set into a sort of permanent autopilot mode, meticulously configured over decades of trial and error.

Watching the machine cast its spells on certain American voter-lemmings and causing them to brawl with other factions of voter-lemmings, particularly the ones defending The Orange Man, by itself is entertaining enough. However, the true comedy began when entropy started to take its toll on this venerable spell-casting apparatus.

The first doses of the hilarity were administered in the cockfight of 2020. Demonstrating his immense skill with the English language, Joe Robinette would frequently, in real time, invent words and phrases so complex that not even he could understand them, such as ‘‘truenernashofadepressure,’’ ‘‘badikefcare,’’ and ‘‘dog-faced pony-soldier.’’

He would constantly confuse numbers by powers of thousands, saying ‘‘trillions’’ when he meant ‘‘millions’’ or ‘‘millions’’ when he meant ‘‘billions’’ or even making combinations such as ‘‘740 million billion dollars.’’

He would interrupt himself mid-sentence in rapid-fire fashion:

‘‘Covid has taken this year, just since the outbreak, has taken, more than one hundred year, look, here's, the lives, it's just, it ju.. when you think about it...’’

‘‘I propose that I'm gonna digress slightly, I, here we, we're in a situation, I, president asked me to head up a cancer moonshot.’’

He would attempt to regurgitate historical platitudes and fail miserably:

‘‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, all men and women created, by the, go you know the, you know the thing!’’

He would confuse near-homophones in hilarious fashion:

‘‘He doesn't wanna shed light; he wants to generate heat, and he's stroking [sic] violence in our cities.’’

He would tell completely inane and irrelevant stories, such as the blond-hairy-legs-and-kids story or the Corn-Pop-the-bad-dude story.

Valuable innovations this time in the 2024 cockfight included walking aimlessly in random directions on stage; struggling with walking in general; falling down while walking up stairs; spewing completely incomprehensible garbles of sentences; and even confusing his Democratic buddy Vladimir Zelensky with his wartime enemy, the modern non-orange Hitler-reincarnated Vladimir Putin.

However, Joe Robinette's undeniable masterpiece was his Presidential debate with Donald Trump in 2024. He started strong—responding to a question about the national debt, he rambled incoherently for a full minute and ended with the statement, ‘‘we finally beat Medicare.’’ In the remaining time, in between broken platitudes and disjointed non sequitur responses, he alternated between roughly three states: a blank 1000-yard stare; a directed grimace of Democratic outrage at something uttered by his opponent, The Orange Man; and a sudden realization of something, such as the time of day, the current occasion, and/or the complete lack of an ice cream cone in his hand. It was truly the only genuinely hilarious presidential debate in American Democratic history and the greatness of his performance deserves much acclaim.

Joe Robinette is a Tug Benson from Hot Shots! Part Deux come to life—a character who until recent years lived only in the imaginations of creative comedic minds and was finally brought into this realm as if through the use of the magical Golden Ticket from Last Action Hero. But in reality he far surpasses anything any mortal human could have devised. He is a human metaphor.

He is a true personification of the American Empire in its final stages of collapse, run on a clockwork machine of thievery and mass murder finally giving in to microfissures and metal fatigue of its essential components, defeated by the perennial law of increasing entropy and malfunctioning in a sort of slapstick comedic fashion. The machine nevertheless still runs unabated, completely unaware of the toll time has taken on its workings, shaking and vibrating violently on top of its decrepit and rotten wooden legs of Democracy. President Joe Robinette, just like the decaying American Democratic Empire he is ostensibly leading, is sad, horrifying, and immensely hilarious at the same time. Long live President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.

As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. —H.L. Mencken